The Hidden Poet

Yet Another Forgetting (Dear Maker)

Dear Maker,

Why do we choose the old dark hallways

when the light shines bright in our eyes?

How many nights of heart racing dilemmas

will I cry out for you to save me from myself

I call out

Yet you dwell within

Dear Maker,

help me live in the heart

Instead of running in the head

Where devices left will rip me to shreds

Crucifying myself to the condemning voices

I recorded long ago

On a demon record that likes to skip

And haunt with repeats upon these shoulders

Strong shoulders fighting on the wrong battleground

Hypnotized by an imagined prize

For the reward does not result from a fight

But a surrender to You

To You, Dear Maker

In a distant land I thought you lived

So far that I tried to cheat

Round and round I circle you

In a labyrinth who’s treasure map

In the palm of this hand is tattooed

Who’s grip if I loosened

Would show me the way

Point me the paths I’ve gone astray

But I’ve got my best Sunday blinders on

And a carriage of dark horses driving strong

Dear Maker,

How long will I keep climbing this Babel tower

Ignoring the thousand flights I’ve fallen

Thinking this time my will will work

That I can change and keep the same

Still sneak away from myself and taste

Ignorance in a land

Who’s bliss is never lasting

For every avenue I walk in this psyche

I eventually meet

My Maker, Dear Maker

Waiting in the light

Shining on my smokey shadow

Lead the way

Take me home

To myself, Dear Maker

To the truth

Almost Ready

So it could be you

or you

or him

but I want none

Not a helping right now

Yet I thank you for the help

in citing my seeing in decisions

that riff-raff with you will not blaze

the path to him

a distraction at best, a place to rest my heart

but I’ll keep the beating to myself

until I find the one who’s rhythm is with mine

I’m patient

and time is on my side

because like a fine wine

I am getting riper

And almost ready for the picking

The Remembering

Teach Me Autumn Leaf

So the seasons change

Turn without a fight

And I sit here thinking how I’ve fought with changes past

Dripping every last drop I could from me and you

which fell into an ocean that drowned us two

Dark waves of pushes and pulls

Undercurrents seethed in betrayals and lies

Parts frozen in fear

of losing one another

in the storm we created

with no fights to keep us afloat

Our arms inside the others chest

and if you let go that grip on my heart

I might have to really see

See you

See me

Not the projections of my mother on my brother

(on a higher realm you are)

Yet down here once what was my lover

Turned into the gatekeeper of my jail

And I the locksmith who fashioned the keys

Gave over to you willingly

Sacrificing most of me

Yet the part I withheld kept you tugging still

until your pulls pushed me away

So now I’m here with all of me

Wondering why me seemed terrifying

And in this night of Autumn breeze

I hear the word….”free”

Oh, how quick I forget

That which I am:

A being pregnant with choices

But the blinders are a perfect fit

A mask I most love to don

beats the brain with no’s

and fogs with forgetting

So Autumn leaf teach me how you fall

The art of surrender

To let go of it all

Here’s to the Social Networks

You know what you’re doing

I know it too

Because I can’t seem to stop checking up on you

Like a blade I take to the skin

and look for your ugly signs

Even though surrounded in beauty

A shot of pain is what I like

So cheers to what you’re doing tonight

A real taste of you will happen no more

I will stick true to that

But I look to see who’s been through your door

Must be a large welcome mat

Without a lock letting anything

Anyone to band-aid your pain

I watch from afar through bloody eyes

While fake mementos you hoard

You must think you’ve won a prize

Yet no matter how many wander through your door

The wound’s still there my dear

I can hear it’s roar

The Fall

Falling into you

and you

and you

Anything to not crash into me

Where putrid water’s stench grow with time

Covered in wounds from the past

that come seeping out my eyes

And when the rain pours I look for a cup

A hand

A chest for it to land

Anywhere but this cheek

where I hear it’s call for us to meet

I searched for another after you

and tried to dance to his song

but it was too high

The other had no rhythm at all

Then you came back begging your way in

and finally I fell into the familiar fruit of love

My mangled home

Deformed from abuse

so bittersweet

so ripe with intensity

of sensual highs

and jealous lows

So the music played

that familiar tune we sing so well

and we danced

and we pulsed

stroked, kissed and slammed

until the record skipped

and strings broke

and I said leave again

Turning my back to those pleading eyes

that now live in this empty chest

Who’s depth knows no end

Red eyes stare into me without a blink

Revealing me your wrongs

and facing me my flaws

How do I pull you out of me, for I know I can’t cover you up

Pull your blanket off this heart

That beats for you

for you

for you

The Finger

The bottled call aching in my throat

held back in judgement and shame

in a castle of rooms without doors

that are linked with blinks of an eye

as I turn upon myself once again

crucifying my Divinity in the arms of my double

who won’t let me die into full blindness

no matter how deep I gouge my eyes

she still points for me to see

and run from that finger I race

but that poke in my back

awakens the ache in this heart

the longing to come back home to her

To face the real me

To step over the wall made of self-sabotaging stones

painted in sharp resistance

To just be

Just be with me

Sunday Free Writing

Today I am relishing the rain

as I curl up into my swarm of sheets

with nowhere to go

nowhere to be

I can go deeper into my dreams

I imagine him

The one I will meet

who will be the one

or one of many ones

to share this bed with me

as we enjoy the sounds of the rain

the rumbling of the wind

and the smell of our own skin

that has perfumed into one

just the right touch of masculine and feminine

and equal balance of force and embrace

Is he out there now listening to the rain?

Is he thinking of me?

Imagining my eyes or the curves of my body?

Right now we are mysteries

Yet I fear not for I know he’s there

and I trust the time will be right

when we are both ready

we will come

to join together as one

The Defended Heart

I have a roaming heart that likes to attach to the flavor of the day

Could fall in eros with any essence

And when she falls, she tumbles to the ground

But not without a fight

For the imagined hurt prickles at her malleable skin

So she never fully gives in

I have a racing mind that keeps me in the clouds

Of the fantasy of that flavor

He prefers that moonlight of his bed

Rather than the daylight of you

Come close, yet stay away

A constant contradiction battle

The bountiful Heart yearns to give

But damages keep her shy

and protected

Mind says fantasy is better

controlled

safe

Anticipating the object of my affections

wears them to knotted rocks

Turns the Mind inside out

While terrified Heart jumps over the cracks of possibilities

of imagined scenarios and double crosses yet to come

This Heart is a defended Heart

For she’s been betrayed so many times past

The wounds run deep in her wishful arteries

while the Mind tries to forget the memories

Mr. Mind guards the heart’s temple

A Heart that longs to break free

To love unconditionally

For you D, For You

Heard yours songs today.  That velvet, comforting voice.  Your good side.  The safe side.  My pulse raced as I rode your wave of silken melodies…..which was soon cut short as my stomach caved in upon itself.  Why did I press play?  And then unexpected sadness.  Followed by empty heartache.  Even though you are poison I want to drink you again.  Feel you take me in again.  My body aches for you.  For you D, for you.  I told you to stay away but now I look for you around every corner.  Hoping to find a glimpse of the face I used to run from.  Where are you?  How are you?  Were the past 3 years a dream?

Then I remember all the verbal arrows.  The heavy smog hanging in the room.  Suffocating me and stifling my life pulse.  The battles and the blood.  But I loved you.  Oh, how I loved you.  And still do.  There are still some feelings swept under my heart rug.  You know how to touch my guarded place with that soft skin.  That silky skin that’s boiling underneath.  Waiting to attack.  How did you get that way? 

I want to see you, but I know.  I know I can’t.  And if our eyes met I know.  I know you would turn away.  But that won’t keep me prowling for your face.  Walking near what used to be our home late at night.  Sensing your melancholy presence.  Wondering how you’re getting on.  Have you searched for my replacement yet?  You need to be alone my dear.  You need to be alone.  I hope you heal.  I hope you find love…eventually.  Maybe we can meet in a dream one night so I can feel your caramel skin.  And stroke your arms that hold me.  The same arms that tried to control me.